The Eclipse teaser trailer opens with a dark and brooding Summit logo, which ties in nicely with the official movie logo shown at the end. See the little eclipse peeping over the Summit mountain? That's clever. And ominous.
Fifteen seconds in, after a sweeping view of the Forks landscape, Bella and Edward appear lying in a beautiful meadow. Robert Pattinson's Edward voiceover states "Isabella Swan, I promise to love you every moment, forever." Cue swooning fangirls at the sound of his deep, velvety voice.
Fade to a close-up of the lovebirds now standing in said meadow, holding onto each other as if the world is coming to an end. (Well, it is, isn't it? Nasty vampires are on their way). Bella looks like she's wearing a shiny silver wedding ring, and Edward's Cullen Crest wristband is present. It's like a new range of His 'n' Hers, Twilight style.
Remember those badass vampires we mentioned? Well, here they are. Say hello to the Volturi — Italy's finest.
Volturi Jane wastes no time telling Bella and Edward exactly what thinks. "She's still human. The Volturi don't give second chances." Isn't that what Caius said in New Moon? I would have thought the Volturi were above repetition, seeing as they're so frightening. And threatening. Quick, Edward — run away!
They don't run — that's not the vampire way. Instead, they stand there looking pensive. With Edward's funny, flat hair and uber-pale skin. Has Rob Pattinson's self-styling ways rubbed off on his super-smooth alter-ego?
"Why are you so against me becoming like you?" Bella asks. On the bed. With Edward. "I know the consequences of this choice you're making, he says. "After a few decades, every one you know will be dead." Ouch, Edward, way to get her to marry you. Enter clips of Bella with her dad, Charlie, and mom, Renee. Sniffle, I almost feel bad for her. But then...
...beefcake Jake arrives! With his humongous, ripped biceps in tow. Bella quickly forgets about outliving her parents (as do we), and instead focuses on his crazy wolf temperature that's sure to be heating her inside and out. "You wouldn't have to change for me, Bella. I'm in love with you. I want you to pick me instead of him." GASP! With a declaration like that, who is she going to choose? Hunky, young Jacob or ancient, perfect Edward?
Here they both are, in a tame standoff of sorts. "You have to consider the idea that I might be better for her than you are." Yeah right, Jake. Edward doesn't consider anything when it comes to you — it's just not how he rolls. Get over it, and go eat muffins with your wolfpack.
Victoria's back, running through trees and leaping over a lake, all in the style we first saw in New Moon. Bella sounds irked, but wouldn't you? "Edward, she found us"... not hard though, was it? She has been stalking you for the previous two movies, knows where you live, and is out for vengeance. Why so surprised?
Meet the new Victoria — or Bryce Dallas Howard, as she's known. She's got Rachelle Lefevre's signature hair down, but she doesn't look as mean or as menacing. Let's hope Summit don't regret this particular cast member swap.
Edward's back, with more promises. "I'll protect you, no matter what," he says. Cut to Bella and Jacob, and Bella reminding him that "You don't know what you're getting yourself into." Clearly he does, Bella, or he wouldn't be pining after you, would he? I wonder if Kristen Stewart knew what she was getting herself into, when she chopped all her hair off and resigned herself to wearing a wig for Eclipse? Die-hard fans can tell it's not real — just look at that wicked kink.
Cut to Jacob on a hill, shirtless, of course. These directors know what teenage girls want, and it's not Taylor Lautner covering up his muscles.
"I'm gonna fight for you, until your heart stops beating," a now clothed Jacob says to a bemused Bella. Big words, wolf boy. That might just be sooner than you think, but only if Breaking Dawn's contract is negotiated, like, now — Summit has got to strike while the fanbase iron is hot.
The end! Or, a dull and dreary The Twilight Saga: Eclipse logo. Is it foreboding enough? Do you understand that Bella has an impossible, potentially life-threatening choice to make? If not, watch the trailer again — it's anything but subtle. This one's all about the boys, and if this teaser is anything to go by, it's going to knock New Moon right out of the baseball clearing.