After countless months of speculation, it looks like a live-action G.I. Joe movie is officially moving forward, with Stephen Sommers (Van Helsing, The Scorpion King) directing and Stuart Beattie (3:10 to Yuma) writing the script. Though no official casting announcements have been made, most rumors have either Mark Wahlberg or Jason Statham set to star.

Having grown up on the classic animated series as well as the Hasbro action figures it shamelessly shilled, we naturally have some rather strong feelings about what characters should be included in the movie and who should play them. Sure, Wahlberg and Statham are both fine actors, but do they really have the stuff to play Real American Heroes? We're not so sure.

Though nobody asked us, we thought we'd offer some of our own ideas:

Destro

Jeff - Patrick Stewart

Who else can play a classy bald dude better than the original classy bald dude? Professor X, Captain Picard, Destro… Yeah, that’s right. No reason why G.I. Joe has to be just another Transformers-style hack job. I’m thinking James Mangold, maybe PTA or Fincher. Late November limited release with eventual nationwide expansion. Stewart will lend the proper legitimacy to assure that G.I. Joe is done justice on the silver screen and properly remembered come Oscar time. Go Joe!

Thomas - Vin Diesel

Sure, Stewart may have the acting chops to play the mighty Destro, but does he have the body? This ain't no wheelchair-bound brainiac we're talking about. Vin Diesel has both the physique and the hairline for the part. Sure, he'll probably struggle with the Scottish accent, but any decent script doctor should be able to fudge his bio and move his origin to somewhere in Queens.

Scarlett

Thomas - Lindsay Lohan

The first female member of the G.I. Joe team, counter-intelligence expert Scarlett is known primarily for her trademark long red hair. So why not cast Hollywood's most notorious true redhead, Lindsay Lohan? Though she's never done action before, she did play a stripper in I Know Who Killed Me, and let me tell you, pole dancing ain't easy. It requires elite-level agility, coordination and flexibility, and was even added to the 2008 Beijing Olympics as a demonstration sport.

Jeff - Nicole Kidman

Original true redhead? You are mistaken my friend. Anyone who saw Billy Bathgate knows Ms. Kidman earned that title while Lohan was still a decade and a half from crackwhore status. Scarlett is classy and tough, two traits Kidman has in spades. Lohan, on the other hand, would make our beloved Scarlett little more than a times square night walker. Stop fantasizing about loose ladies Tom and give Scarlett the credit she deserves.

Duke

Jeff - Russell Crowe

Russell Crowe is one of the finest actors working today. And what better follow-up to 3:10 to Yuma than a return the Maximus-type of hero that jump-started his career? Duke is the leader of these “American heroes,” but he’s also got a bit of a tough guy dark side. Who better to fill those shoes than Mr. happy hotel guest himself?

Thomas - Paul Walker

Russell Crowe? Please. He'll be feuding with the director before shooting even begins. For Duke you need someone who'll show up on time, do what he's told and look good on a poster. Paul Walker would fit nicely. He may not be an Oscar-caliber actor (or even Cable Ace Award-caliber, for that matter), but he did play a soldier in Flags of Our Fathers. And if he's good enough for Eastwood, he's good enough for G.I. Joe.

Snake Eyes

Thomas - Jean-Claude Van Damme

Van Damme could use a break. The guy hasn't been in a non-straight to video flick since 1999's Universal Soldier: The Return. Hasn't he been punished enough for Timecop? The part of Snake Eyes -- a ninja rendered mute after an explosion permanently damaged his vocal chords -- would be perfect for Van Damme. He wouldn't have to memorize any lines, and we wouldn't have to hear him speak. It's win-win!

Jeff - Chow Yun-Fat

Shame on you, Thomas Leupp. That’s a horrible choice. Snake Eyes is a fan favorite and you trust him to the Muscles from Brussells? Chow Yun-Fat could handle the action and lend a legitimacy to a movie that should be – and let’s just say it again – a serious drama about the true conflicts our American heroes face on the battlefield every day.

Cobra Commander

Jeff - Andy Serkis

Just think of the scratchy voice of Gollum and the physical movements of King Kong. Come on, I’m serious, close your eyes and really think about it. You see where I’m going with this now? Cobra Commander must simultaneously possess an intimidating presence and sound like a 90 year-old woman who’s smoked her entire life.

Thomas - Doug Jones in the suit, voiced by Rosie O'Donnell

There's no reason why you can't have one person lend their voice to the character and have someone else wear the costume, like they did with the Jones in Silver Surfer. For the evil Cobra Commander, you need a voice that inspires almost instant revulsion and disdain. Which is why I think Rosie O'Donnell would be perfect for the part. Or possibly Madonna.

Who do you think should be in the new G.I. Joe movie? Let Jeff know at jotto@reeelzchannel.com. This article was his idea.