Thousands of drowsy American workers called in sick with the "Halo Flu" this morning, a consequence of the midnight release of the uber-anticipated videogame Halo 3.
The hype surrounding the release will no doubt revive hopes for a Halo flick, which has been mired in development hell for several years now. At one point, Lord of the Rings demigod Peter Jackson had been attached to direct, but the project stalled and eventually went into turnaround. Now, according to IMDB, Fox has purchased the filming rights and is apparently moving forward with some guy named Neill Blomkamp helming.
Here are five reasons why Fox should reconsider:
1. All Movies Based on Videogames Invariably Suck
BloodRayne, Alone in the Dark, Silent Hill and Doom are just a few of the craptastic offerings to hit theaters in recent years. The only viable franchise of the bunch, Resident Evil, owes most of its success to a built-in audience of genre fans eager to lap up any movie featuring zombies and hot chicks.
2. Master Chief is a Lame Protagonist
The hero of Halo, the genetically enhanced supersoldier Master Chief, wears a giant suit of high-tech armor, never reveals his face and hardly ever talks. I can't imagine A-list actors lining up in droves to play that part. Maybe Dolph Lundgren is available.
3. Weak Villains
A successful epic needs a solid villain, like Darth Vader, The T-100 or Khan. Halo's main antagonists are a coalition of alien races known as The Covenant, and they're more annoying than they are scary. And, as any student of history knows, successful evil galactic empires are rarely ruled by committee.
4. Who the Hell is Neill Blomkamp?
Blomkamp's most impressive film credit to date is Lead 3D Animator on 3000 Miles to Graceland. It's been a while since I've seen that one, but I'm fairly certain it wasn't a CGI-heavy flick. Now, Blomkamp may very well turn out to be a competent filmmaker, but everything about his hiring smacks suspiciously of "hired gun."
5. Microsoft Looms
Think Microsoft bungled Windows Vista? Just wait until they get their hands on a rough cut of a Halo flick. The Halo franchise is the crown jewel of the monolithic software giant's gaming arsenal, and you can bet the execs in Redmond will be watching the production like hawks, ready to unleash hell on anyone who dares to defy them. The game may be rated M for mature, but expect the movie to be a much more marketable (and thus significantly lamer) PG-13.
Disagree? Let me know at tleupp@reelzchannel.com.