He's the expletive-spewing, critic-pummeling director who brought us such modern classics as House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne and BloodRayne 2: Deliverance, none of which has managed to exceed a 4% approval rating on Rottentomatoes.com. At just 42, he's already landed an unprecedented three movies in IMDB's Bottom 100; by the time he retires, his films could very well occupy the entire Bottom 10.

His name is Uwe Boll, he's the Teutonic Ed Wood, and his latest creation, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, invades our shores this Friday. Though the film wasn't screened for critics (shocking!), its wretched trailer indicates a quality entirely consistent with Boll's prior efforts.

Enough is enough. We can -- nay, we must -- act now to prevent Boll from further soiling our Cineplexes with such affronts to good filmmaking. After conducting extensive research, I've pinpointed five potential strategies for accomplishing this. It won't be easy, but future generations of movie fans will thank us for it.

1. Change the German Tax Code

Boll finances his films independently by exploiting a loophole in German tax law that allows him to write off the bulk of the expenses associated with his productions. In the DVD commentary of Alone in the Dark, Boll stated that "the reason I am able to do these kind of movies is I have a tax shelter fund in Germany, and if you invest in a movie in Germany you get basically fifty percent back from the Government."

Newly-elected German Chancellor Angela Merkel has repeatedly expressed her desire to mend frayed U.S.-German relations. Closing this gaping loophole would go a long way toward accomplishing that.

2. Annex Canada

With the exception of the first BloodRayne, all of Boll's U.S. releases were shot in Canada, the preferred location for effects-heavy, brains-lite movies. The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) could easily be revised to include a provision officially designating North America as a Boll-Free Zone, thereby sparing Mexico from future Uwe incursions as well.

Should Canadian politicians balk at such a deal, the next logical step would be to annex the entire country -- something I'm convinced could be accomplished with little or no bloodshed. Does Canada even have an army?

3. Stop Making Video Games

Thus far all of Boll's U.S. releases, including In the Name of the King, have been based on video games. A moratorium on video game manufacturing will cut off Boll's supply of ideas, critically impairing his ability to make his crappy, crappy movies.

I'm not advocating a permanent ban on videogames -- just one long enough for Boll to give up and find another line of work. Given the obvious ADD demonstrated by his directing style, I'm convinced that it won't take long for Boll to lose patience and turn his attention elsewhere.

4. Bollitis

In order to prevent the spread of communicable diseases, The Centers for Disease Control enforces severe travel restrictions against individuals carrying certain deadly, highly infectious viruses. (You may recall the recent case of Andrew Speaker, the Atlanta lawyer infected with drug-resistant tuberculosis who caused an uproar after he ignored a ban on traveling with TB.)

It may take some political wrangling to convince the CDC to classify Uwe Boll as a disease, but it's not impossible. The evidence is compelling: People exposed to Boll's films have reported a number of alarming symptoms, including vomiting, headaches, violent mood swings and temporary blindness. I myself caught a nasty case of Bollitis after seeing House of the Dead a few years ago. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

5. Sanctions

Trade embargoes and other sanctions aren't just for Cuba and rogue states like Syria and North Korea; they can also be enacted against individuals as well. Past targets of U.S. sanctions have included Austrian President Kurt Waldheim and Liberian dictator Charles Taylor.

Section 5501 of the Intelligence Reform and Terrorism Prevention Act of 2004 renders "inadmissible and deportable those aliens who...commit, order, incite, assist, or participate in acts of torture or extrajudicial killing as defined by U.S. law." Anyone who doesn't believe Boll hasn't participated in acts of torture obviously hasn't seen Alone in the Dark.

Got any ideas for stopping Uwe? Let me know at tleupp@ReelzChannel.com.

Sources: IMDB, Wikipedia, The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, The National Counterterrorism Center, Wired