By ReelzChannel.com Staff
If Charles Darwin was right about evolution, then Hollywood caveman movies should just keep getting better and better, and Roland Emmerich's 10,000 BC, hitting theaters March 7, should be the best yet. But is that really how it works? To test Darwin's theory, we pit multiple generations of Hollywood's finest prehistoric epics against each other in a cinematic survival of the fittest.
THE THREE AGES(1923)
Dime-store wigs and eyeliner
ENCINO MAN(1992)
Kenny G. ringlets
ONE MILLION B.C. (1940)
First appearance of Cro-Metrosexual Man
QUEST FOR FIRE (1981)
As hairy as Deadheads, but a little bit cleaner
ONE MILLION YEARS B.C. ('66)
Brontosaurus-sized racks
CAVEMAN(1981)
Bad posture and Ugg Boots
CLAN OF THE CAVE BEAR ('86)
Darryl Hannah looks like a hot blonde Bigfoot. Her clan-mates look like giant hedgehogs.
10,000 B.C. (2008)
Credlocks, plus pecs as smooth as a pterodactyl egg
WINNER: THREE AGES
Dime-store wigs and eyeliner still look great today. Kenny G. ringlets should have died with the dinosaurs.
WINNER: QUEST FOR FIRE
Survival instinct of Deadheads second only to cockroaches.
WINNER: ONE MILLION YEARS B.C.
No such thing as survival of the flattest.
WINNER: 10,000 B.C.
Where there's credlocks, there's usually trust funds -- which are even more useful than opposable thumbs.
No sound, so not even any rudimentary caveman grunting
Random licking
Conch-phones and passionate glaring
Everyone speaks fluent English, albeit it with cartoony, foreign-people accents.
Think how much better most movies would be if their characters randomly licked each other every few minutes.
Who doesn't love a Creationist-friendly evolution movie?
Missionary position
Body waxing
Breath mints, make-up, civilization itself: We owe it all to the mish posish.
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