Most Likely to Induce Seizures

Speed Racer

Two hours and 15 minutes of sheer cinematic torture, Speed Racer feels like Wachowski's rebuttal to the oft-heard statement "Anything has to be better than The Matrix Revolutions, right?" Well, check this one out suckers! Almost 10 years removed from their inventive first Matrix, it looks as though the brothers (or brother and sister, depending on which story you believe) have officially gone creatively bankrupt.

Runner Up: Wanted

Most-Random Reference

Caddyshack Gopher Shows Up in Indiana Jones

Sure, there were aliens and a vine-swinging Shia LeBeouf in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but was anything more puzzling than the gophers in the intro? Did Lucas and Spielberg really not see the inevitable Caddyshack references? This gopher might not dance, but he's got the same smug attitude.

Runner Up: Ziro the Hutt as Truman Capote in Clone Wars

Best Brendan Fraser Movie of Summer

Journey to the Center of the Earth in 3-D

It's been almost five years -- Brendan Fraser was due to star in some big, dumb summer movies again. After flirting with respectability in Crash and The Air I Breathe, Fraser apparently came to the same conclusion we did: "C'mon, who are you kidding?"

Runner Up: The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Best Unintentional Comedy

Mirrors

A character as cool as 24's Jack Bauer can look pretty foolish when thrown into the wrong scenario. Watching him growl through this derivative, dull slasher flick is entertaining, but in the most unintentional way. During the course of his battle with those pesky reflective surfaces, Jack tries to convince his family of his relative sanity by firing rounds into a mirror in a suburban neighborhood and painting over every mirror in the house. Also, when he realizes a nun holds the power to stop the mirror killings, he kicks down a door and pulls a gun on her, kidnapping the nun and forcing her to sacrifice her own life for his and his family's. Harsh, even for JB.

Runner Up: Star Wars: The Clone Wars

Worst Character

Tie Between Clone Wars' Zero the Hutt and Ahsoka Tano

George Lucas must be stopped. True, he didn't technically write or direct this abysmal pilot for the new 100-episode Clone Wars television series, but the weight of his influence can be felt throughout. Continuing the trend of pillaging the once-cool Star Wars universe, Lucas and Co. offer up two more characters fans are hoping to forget -- there's the brash, tough-talking tweener Ahsoka, whose consistently irritating quips had audiences praying for her accidental (or purposeful) death; and then there's Jabba the Hutt's flamboyant, tattooed, southern-drawled, gay cabaret uncle, Ziro the Hutt. Seriously, what the hell?

Runner Up: Paulie Litt as Spritle Racer in Speed Racer

Most-Pleasant Surprise

Kung Fu Panda

Two worn-out Hollywood concepts I'd have been thrilled to never again see on the big screen: animated talking-animal flicks and Jack Black's manic, overblown shtick. The prospect of combining the two sounded like some twisted studio executive's cruel idea of a joke. Imagine my surprise, then, when Kung Fu Panda turned out to be one of my favorite movies of the summer.

With a new hit franchise on its hands, maybe now Dreamworks Animation can finally put tired old Shrek out to pasture.

Runner Up: Vicky Cristina Barcelona

The "Meh" Award

X-Files: I Want to Believe

The much-hyped X-Files reunion of stars David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson and creator Chris Carter received a collective shrug from movie audiences, coming and going with little fanfare in July. Essentially a dour, angst-ridden love story (albeit one featuring a psychic, pedophile priest and organ-harvesting Russians), X-Files: I Want to Believe failed to register with even the most-ardent X-philes. The truth was still out there. The fans' enthusiasm, it seems, was long gone.

Runner Up: The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Best Easter Egg

Samuel L. Jackson's Post-Credits Cameo in Iron Man

It's hard to sneak anything past the fanboys these days, but director Jon Favreau managed to pull it off, attaching Jackson's Nick Fury cameo only to prints of Iron Man that went to theaters -- and leaving it out of advance press screenings. Favreau's folks started the process months before, planting stories around the net that declared the scene had been left on the cutting-room floor. As a result, ardent fans who endured long lines to catch Iron Man on its opening weekend received an unexpected treat: Sam Jackson wearing an eye patch.

Runner Up: Robert Downey Jr.'s Cameo in The Incredible Hulk

Best Sepultura Impression

Christian Bale in The Dark Knight

Far be it for me to nitpick what is clearly the best movie of the year thus far, but whenever Bale donned the Batman suit, he emitted a low-pitched growl that made him sound more like the lead singer of a hardcore thrash-metal band than a crime-fighting superhero.

Runner Up: Abomination in The Incredible Hulk

Most-Shocking Moment

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Pushed

This summer's most-shocking movie moment didn't even happen on the big screen; it came courtesy of a press release regarding a certain bespectacled teenage wizard. On August 14, Warner Bros. chief Alan Horn surprised just about everyone in Hollywood (including the editors of Time Warner's Entertainment Weekly) when he moved the release date for the Potter saga's sixth chapter to July 17, 2009 -- seven months later than originally planned. The muggles, needless to say, were none too pleased.

Runner Up: Avuncular Morgan Freeman Shouting "Kill this Motherf---er" in Wanted