College, the new movie about wild and crazy college life, looks like every other movie about wild and crazy college life -- except for one critical mistake. Not one of the three leads is over the age of 30! Clearly, the filmmakers were not as familiar with the canon (Animal
House, Revenge of the Nerds, Back to School, Old School, etc.) as they should have been. But how about you? Do you have what it takes to make the Dean's List? Take our College Movie Aptitude Test and find out!
ANALOGIES
Rodney Dangerfield Topless : Will Ferrell Bottomless
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A) Quarter : Nickel
B) Hill : Mountain
C) Robbery : Murder
D) Tornado : Ice age
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ANSWER: D. Just as an ice age is a greater natural disaster than a tornado, Will Ferrell bottomless is a greater natural disaster than Rodney Dangerfield topless. |
Food Fight : College Movies
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A) Beer : Hangover
B) Hot tub : Girls in bikinis
C) Cliff Notes : Novel
D) Pickles : Big Mac
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ANSWER: D. A Big Mac is not truly a Big Mac unless it contains pickles. A college movie is not truly a college movie unless it has a food fight. |
MULTIPLE CHOICE
Movies about campus life invariably depict university administrators as officious, meddling bumblers determined to keep a college education the exclusive privilege of wealthy blond elites with extensive sweater collections. Based on characters like Animal House's Dean Wormer and Back to School's Dean Martin, which of the following statements is most true?
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A) Unless you have a funny last name, you cannot become a dean at an American college.
B) Hollywood screenwriters have no idea what college deans actually do.
C) There is no such thing as the College Dean Anti-Defamation League or any similar organization.
D) Hollywood screenwriters don't believe women or minorities can portray an officious, meddling bumbler as effectively as a tubby, balding WASP can.
E) Hollywood screenwriters never listen to conservative talk-radio.
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ANSWER: E. While answers B), C), and D), are most likely true, the best case can be made for E). Indeed, colleges are considered society's greatest bastions of liberal ideology, multi-culturalism, and affirmative action -- and yet Hollywood consistently depicts college deans as two steps to the right of Robert E. Lee. |
In 1994, Jeremy Piven starred in the college-themed movie PCU as a party animal named Droz who constantly offends the sensibilities of his politically correct classmates. In 2003, Piven played a bit part in the movie Old School, appearing as Gordon Pritchard, the uptight and meddling Dean of Students who tries to evict Luke Wilson and his pals from their campus home. Which of the following statements best explains Piven's remarkable transformation from rebellious Bluto knock-off to conniving Dean Wormer knock-off in just nine short years?
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A) Piven's desire to stretch as an actor.
B) Piven's receding hairline.
C) Piven's receding career, pre-Entourage.
D) Piven's growing interest in Buddhism.
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ANSWER: D. Nothing can accelerate the complete extinguishment of self
like playing a conniving Dean Wormer knock-off in a formulaic bromedy. |
MATH
Robert Carradine was 30 when he played a college student in the 1984 movie Revenge of the Nerds. Spike Lee was 31 when he played a college student in the 1988 movie School Daze. Luke Wilson was 32 when he played a pseudo college student in the 2003 movie Old School. Based on their real ages and standard Hollywood casting practices, which of the following actors would have been a better choice to play Wilson's character?
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A) Kevin Dillon
B) Tony Danza
C) Harrison Ford
D) David Duchovny
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ANSWER: B. To solve this problem, we first must consider how Hollywood-actor years equate to regular-person years. While the standard college freshman is 18, the standard age of a Hollywood actor playing a college freshman, based on Robert Carradine and Spike Lee, is 31.5. From this information, we can deduce that every Hollywood-actor year is equal to 1.75 regular-person years. (31.5 divided by 18.5 is 1.75) In Old School, Luke Wilson was playing a character who was supposed to be 30. To figure out the appropriate age of the actor who should have been playing this role, then, we simply multiply 30 by 1.75. That yields 52.5, which leads us to Tony Danza, who was 52 in 2003, when Old School was filmed. |
SENTENCE COMPLETION
The central _ _ _ _ _ of nearly every Hollywood college movie ever produced is that it touts non-conformity and intellectual curiosity
over wealth, physical attractiveness, familiarity, and everything else that Hollywood genuinely _ _ _ _ _.
A) paradigm ... worships
B) flaw ... covets
C) paradox ... values
D) premise ... cherishes
ANSWER: We can eliminate answers A) and D) because using the words
"paradigm" and "premise" in this context would imply that this characteristic of Hollywood college movies that the sentence describes is intentional. We can eliminate B) because the word "covets" suggests that Hollywood yearns for wealth and physical attractiveness but may not actually possess them. Thus, C) offers the best choice of words to
complete this sentence. |
SCORING
0 - 2: Put on your dunce cap, Einstein. The first semester just started, and you're already on academic probation.
3 - 4: Welcome to the vast middle, C student. Better upgrade your Netflix membership before mid-terms come around.
5 - 6: Congratulations, you just made the Dean's List! You will likely have a three-picture deal with New Line within two years of finishing film school.