Jason would like an opportunity to show today's moviegoers that he really is scarier than Christian Bale.

The closest thing to a hip, iTunes-ready rock song on the original's soundtrack features more banjos than guitars.

REI's recently introduced ultralightweight titanium camping spork means there's one sharp object on the planet Jason has yet to kill someone with.

Today's sex-crazed, pot-smoking teens find little to relate to when watching the sex-crazed, pot-smoking teens of the 1980s.

Global warming gives nubile counselors a legitimate reason to wear even skimpier outfits before they get gutted.

State-of-the art carbon graphite hockey masks are lighter and better-ventilated than older models, promoting greater oxygen flow and, thus, more-sustained killing power.

Even as a relatively young man, Jason had little tolerance for the antics of noisy, unruly teens unencumbered by adult supervision. Imagine how grumpy he'll get now that he's in his mid-fifties.

It's a little too soon to remake Twilight.

There's still no market for movies about saggy, leathery, sex-crazed, pot-smoking senior citizens getting systematically butchered at a run-down assisted living facility.

Have you actually watched the original lately? It's actually less gory than the average episode of American Idol.